Bella is Going Insane
by BerryBella
Summary: Bella, put the broom down." Edward said slowly. "No, Jasper’s going to come in here and start singing." 1st fanfic! Mild language. Weird.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Why would I write FF if I owned Twilight?**

**A/N: This is my first fanfiction, and it was just for fun, and I know it's very, very weird. However, I had a lot of fun writing it.** **It started as a story making fun of fanfictions where everyone's personalities are really exaggerated and Edward's eyes smolders every 10 seconds. **

My eyelids slowly fluttered open, and the sunlight is streaming through the window. My heart immediately drops to my stomach, my Edward isn't here! Oh no, he must not like me anymore even though he's told me about 9,872 times that he loves me and won't ever leave me again!

I step off the bed with tears in my eyes and trip over a bunch of textbooks to bang my knee on my nightstand. Now I'm clumsy, ugly, and my knee hurts too! Could life get any worse? I just lie on the ground staring at the carpet. There's not point in life without Edward, and since he abandoned me, I'm just going to lie here and die.

"Bella? Oh no! What are you doing on the floor? Are you okay? Should I call Carlisle? Nooooooooo!" a smooth velvety voices cries "Love, love, are you okay?"

I sit up and look at his smoldering eyes and sexy bronze hair, more tears spilled out. He put his arms around me, and I felt his cold marble skin.

"Oh Edward! I thought you were going to leave me again. Don't ever leave my side ever again. I don't think I could take it!" I sobbed into his shirt.

He groaned.

"It's all my fault Bella, I'm a monster, and I'm ruining your life and putting you in danger every second of your life. Those tears streaming down your beautiful face are all because of me. Why am I such a monster?" Edward said as he put his arms around me.

"No Edward, I'm not perfect at all, I'm totally ugly, clumsy, and stupid."

"Bella! Never say that again! You are the most perfect girl in the universe. Just because you're not as sexy as I am *hair flip*, doesn't mean you're _that _ugly. I mean, no one can ever compare to me because I'm a handsome, strong, protective, romantic, smart, sexy, talented, and caring pedophile. Let's go to my house after this totally depressing conversation."

"Really Edward, am I really pretty and do you find my clumsiness cute?"

"Yes Bella, I love you so much I want to eat your nose off."

"I'm afraid you can't do that Edward."

"Anything you say Bella."

We arrived at the Cullen house and Charlie doesn't care because he apparently goes fishing every single day of his life. Edward helped me out of his shiny Volvo, and I tripped, but my Edward caught me and smiled my favorite crooked smile and smoldered his eyes again.

He put an arm around my waist while we walked into the house. The door burst open and Alice jumped out, putting her face about an inch from mine.

"OH MY GOSH BELLA! Macy's is having their one day sale, and we totally have to go SHOPPING! They have these totally cute sweaters, and these amazing boots, and-" Alice started talking and blanked out, then continued. "AHHHH!!!! They're getting sold out."

The little pixie grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the garage, while Edward rolled his eyes.

"Alice! I don't wanna go shopping." I said as she continued dragging me.

She froze.

I tried to move my hand from her grip, but she wouldn't budge, her head was facing forward, and she resembled a statue.

"Alice, are you okay?" I whispered.

She slowly turned her head around. Suddenly, I was on the ground and Alice kneeled so she was centimeters from my face. What the heck?

Her head was cocked, and her eyes were twitching, as well as her body. There was a deranged look on the pixie right now.

"What did you say, Bella?" she whispered.

My Edward suddenly came and knocked Alice over. I just layed there on the pavement while my head throbbed painfully. My angel quickly came over and sobbed into his hands.

"I hurt you again Bella, I'm so stupid, I'm so pathetic, I'm such a monster."

Suddenly, a booming voice interrupted us. "Hey it's Bella! So Edward, how's your non-existent sex life?"

I blushed again and sat up. My head felt fine now. Edward growled.

When I looked up, Emmett was in boxers, while Rosalie was in a nightgown, staring in to a mirror, and mouthing 'I'm so beautiful' over and over again silently.

Then I heard quiet sobs, as a blur came running over. It was Jasper. He was wearing all black and had eyeliner at least an inch thick around his eyes.

"Why can't you guys just be quiet?" Jasper sobbed and showed us a bent butcher knife. "I can't cut myself to relieve the pain, and you guys are just laughing outside like there's nothing wrong, when my life is spinning into a black abyss!"

Emmett was trying to hold a snicker in, while Edward and Alice just stood there. There was about 3 minutes of really awkward silence before I decided to break it.

"Honey, that color _so_ does not go with your complexion." I said.

He looked like he was going to cry and ran circles around the house singing at the top of his lungs. "I'VE BECOME SO NUMB I CAN'T FEEL YOU THERE, BECOME SO TIRED SO MUCH MORE AWARE, I'M BECOMING THIS, ALL I WANT TO DO IS BE MORE LIKE ME AND BE LESS LIKE YOU......"

I covered my ears because it sounded like a million monkeys screeching together. It hurt, and what the heck is Jasper doing?

Suddenly, blackness.

"Bella! Bella, love, wake up!"

Some one was shaking my shoulders. I opened my eyes and saw Edward with a worried expression on his face. Relief flooded over me, it was all a dream.

"What happened?" I moaned as I lied back down.

Silence.

"Edward?"

I opened my eyes again and saw Jasper. Oh my god. He was about to open his mouth. NO!

"NOBODY'S PERFECT! I GOTTA WORK IT! AGAIN AND AGAIN 'TILL I GET IT RIGHT!" he screamed.

I fell off the bed and hit my head.

I opened eyes, yet again, and saw just my bedroom ceiling. As I tried to piece together the parts of my dream, I thought to my self _What the heck did you smoke Bella?_. My head felt queasy and I layed back down on my bed. That was probably the most disturbing dream I have ever had.

Eventually, I got out of bed, when the doorknob in my room jiggled. Instinctively, I grabbed a broom. The door flew open, and I swung it against the intruder with my eyes closed, scared of what was going to happen next.

"Bella?"

It was Edward.

He looked almost scared.

"What Edward?" I said.

"Bella, put the broom down." he said slowly.

"No, Jasper's going to come in here and start singing."

"What?"

"I'm going insane."

Suddenly, Alice came and shoved Edward aside. She was smiling, and sighed as she took the broom from my hands.

"It's all just a dream Bella, its okay." she said as she patted my back.

I took a deep breath in through my nose, and breathed out through my mouth. It was all a dream Bella.

Then I saw him, standing behind Alice, and he flashed a grin at me. Then he opened his mouth-

I screamed then, fainted.

**A/N: Please review!!!! I accept anonymous reviews, and Happy Holidays!**


	2. AN: Nominated!

**A/N: Sorry this isn't chapter 2! I know everyone hates these things, but this story was nominated for Round 3 of the Twilight Awards in Best One-shot and Best Comedy! I was really surprised because after rereading, it seemed like I was on something while I wrote this. This was also my first fanfiction! Thanks for anyone that nominated me! Voting won't start for a week or so, but vote for me if you like this story! **

**I don't like this story as much as ****What did you do to Bella?**** , since that story actually kind of has a plot. It's also funnier (in my opinion.) I'll stop babbling, and just say everybody's awesome!**

**BerryBella :D **


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